Thursday, 4 March 2010

big thanks

'An existential crisis is a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value... An existential crisis may result from: the sense of being alone and isolated in the world; a new-found grasp or appreciation of one's mortality; believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning...'

oh, wait — wrong post... um, my bad (so just forget alla the above). what i really meant to write was a list of Thank Youse to alla whom didn't give up on me despite my being MIA from The Internetz. y'all know who you are and if you don't, don't look at me to remind you cause i don't even know who i, myself, am you're listed below, so very reluctantly (as is my wont), the biggest of thanks to:

Leisl (here and here as well)
Chris (he lives here too. sometimes)
Darren (whose last txt was inadvertently ignored, or so i bullshitted told him)
Chuck (and here where he tawks stuff i pretend to understand)
Mikey (though i tried and tried, i couldn't ignore him he'll pay for that shit)
Xamichee (whose lovely mails guilted me out and i'll get him for that as well)
ReplayRay (whose LOL-SG's seen here. *still preening*)
Glasgow Criminal (who reached me on a most crucial level: Work Ethics or the lack thereof)

helpful hint: please apply a raucous *snigger* to any/all those listed above — your call, cause i wouldn't wanna blow whatever it is i maintain with a few some most all those mentioned. shit! quiet bit out loud again. goddammit.

and then there were Nomad, Pam in Brixton, AvenginAngel Angie, Sarah (Mrs Ifor The Engine), Stevie (Librarian of Love), Daaaaave! and last but certainly far from least, Christine who not only didn't lose faith in me, but served as my lifeline, mailing me upwards of five times a day to the point at which, even if i wanted to (which i didn't), no way was i able to ignore her mostly cause for the last seven years, we're like the Twinsies of Gloom & Doom... she feeds me Death & Depression and i feed it right back at her. :-)

LOL, a few years back at Lost Vagueness was the night when her bro Segs first learnt that she and i were tight, and i'll never forget the look on his face: he actually rolled his eyes and looked mournful. poor Segsy! *smirk*

seen here after an Alabama 3 gig in the lobby of the Astoria back in Autumn 2007 (thanks, Daaaave!):

and over at Christine and Michael's a coupla years ago in the States:

back to Lost Vagueness, i quickly bullshitted him, allaying his worst fears but i dunno if he believed me. needless to say, when i told Christine, she was in hysterics and reminded me of how the soon-to-be Living Legend used to steal her Reggae records, but that's another story. now... where was i?

moving right along, the next quote's from Virginia Woolf. but before i plunge in, here's a fun-fact: 'On 28 March 1941, Woolf committed suicide. She put on her overcoat, filled its pockets with stones, then walked into the River Ouse near her home and drowned herself'. *admiring*

anyhoo, VW's next words served as impetus to drag me back kicking and screaming, back to the dreaded waking world — the land of the *puke* living:

'You cannot find peace by avoiding life'. hmmpf... maybe not, but i'm still trying, so pass the spliff, pass the pills, pass the powders and if i pass out, do me a biggie and leave me be. wait — did i say that out loud? *giggle* um, sorr-rreeeee! (not really). here, have some Hunter. i asked him to play dead for me but did he listen?

in other news, i plan to go into hugeass detail on why i've harboured this lifelong obsession with death and dying, but not today. and now i shall leave y'all with Sophocles and some food for thought or whatever:

'Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to'.

i think a quickie Litmus Test would be if people were read the above, then asked 'Can you dig it?'. those who answered 'No' would be termed Normal and those who answered 'Yeah' would be relegated to confinement, but whaddoo i know?

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Wednesday, 3 March 2010

crawling from the wreckage

yup, that's exactly how i feel ATM — just as if i crawled from the wreckage and am peering out at the world whilst standing on my tippy-toes on a hugeass pile of detritus or whatever. thing is, since i've actually been working for the last month or so as well as spending too much time away from home, i've neither had the strength nor the impetus to post here.

it's kinda a delicate situation, like, cause i've been helping a family whose daughter has Down's Syndrome and AFAIC, sensitivity and secrecy are paramount and so, i've suppressed the somewhat gory details as well as stayed offline as much as i've been able in order to keep my natural born temptation to spill my guts away from prying eyes and to myself. why? big duh! cause i've got the biggest of big fuckin' mouths.

BTW, the next illo totally sums up my attitude and believe it or not, it's helped me through way too many longass drawn-out, seemingly endless days:

but i said 'fuck it' after a semi-personal crisis over the weekend just past and then decided to take a very much-needed hol from my work after a coupla those long, dark nights of the soul during which i questioned myself mercilessly as i tossed and turned on the sofa in my bed. and so yesterday, i broke down and totally began to twit again. one of the first things i noticed that struck me is the way cool avatar you see above, used by Joseph L Savitz III (whose permission i snagged to reproduce).

now i could take the easy way out and splain in grindingly boring detail why i've been MIA off Twitter, off Tawdry, off FreeA3 et al., but like, why bother? then again, i've got plenty of time now, so here we go with my first two twits in over a month, both twat late yesterday afternoon cause i needed to take my mind off the Depressing Business of Life and what better way than spout any old bullshit? ahhh... can you totally smell the brilliance of my writty?:

hello, lovely ppl—i'm back for the nonce; been working w/a fam who wouldn't be pleased had i twat details re: th.wh i've been doing cause...

said details would ID em since they're here & watching my twitstream. suffice it to say, i wouldn't wanna ID them.

and since i'm still a lazy fuck, if anyone's interested, y'all can find the rest of my blether way down my page, beginning on 2. march.

the thing of it is, i never quit writing; in fact i've got at least three unfinished posts as yet unpublished, complete with salient illos. one's written thanks to Christine and it's called Existential Angst (with emphasis on chronic depression and anhedonia as well as the suicidal and especially in relation to those too damn smart for their own good as well as the world in which we find ourselves existing enduring. right, and thanks to Nomad there's a shitload on how JFK damaged my psyche but we won't go there). anyhoo, to post or not to post? hmmpf...

truth is, i feel i've got this moral obligation *wack* not to depress people even more than they might be bummed already, so till i finally make up my mind, they'll remain right here in my Drafts. OK, just one more thing before i tip, sump'n that, when sent me, embiggened that entity once known as my ego:

big thanks to @replayray for making my very own LOLCat. *preens* :-)

in closing, here's my thought for your day, stoled offa TrollCats. i dare yiz, nah, i double-dare y'all to disagree.

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