last night in Cardiff

well, not last night but two nights ago. anyway, this is taken from here cause i'm still way thrilled to death and can't think straight. anyway, today i totally love last night and this morning (and sending Schadenfreude-laden txts to Daaaaaave, who practically asked for it and i hope he told EVERYBODY!!!11!!! LOL, sufff-ffferrrrr, Dave).

WHAT A FUCKIN' AWESOME GIG (and i hardly ever use that word). we met Sarah Lou, Johnny Boy, Sarah and Ifor the Engine, totally reaffirming my love for meeting other band fans (and though i met Big Kris for like a second last Winter after various A3 boards over the years, we got to talk for the first time when we met him and Mark at the pub before the gig).

Freebase got us backstage where i apologised to Rob for doubting him, then thanked him all over the place (while Larry laughed his ass off at me, for a change). the entire gig, the actual (stage) set ---> the red skies with white clouds on those screens were brilliant, the bit in Johnny Cash where Zoe holds the tambourine as a halo above Freebie's head as he's all there when they crucified the Laud, DW doing Rehabilitated pointing at me for the R and grinning (i turned around to see who he was pointing at).

Delta Slide Dude was terrific on everything but mostly (IMO) Souljah and Work It and Sweet Joy ---> pure dynamite. Holy Blood was almost a religious experience... LOL, did i mention the totally massive SWEET JOY?

one of the best of their gigs i've been at (sez a lot cause there wasn't much room to dance). i think they did Lord Have Mercy (w/Zoe's Voodoo Chile) and i know they did Power in the Blood and i've NEVER loved that tune as much as i did last night; i'd be blasting it now but there's a lightweight sleeping.

the afterparty was good (big thanks to Sian for everything); was dancing with Samantha Love but mostly by myself when Orlando (the Spirit) showed... we danced our asses off but only briefly, until he insisted on like ballroom dancing (and i'm thinking 'WTF? i don't do that'. and didn't).

ps, i hate to ruin your rep, Freebie, but yo, everybody --- he's like a total gentleman (LOL, he'll NEVER see this but now WE all know); when he learnt we had no place to crash and were just gonna walk around in the rain and wait till 06,00 for the first train to Bristol, he insisted on having us on the tourbus (and i mean INSIST). we were talking mostly with Sir Eddie Real and Samantha &c when Jake and Orlando came in (Mark was safe in bed with his lit-tle pajamas, the ones with cowboys on). Jake squoze over and entertained us by liberally tawkin' Yiddish and Brooklynese and quoting from Miller's Crossing, totally cracking us up.

roll on Bristol (&c &c &c &c)! 'I want MOR!' *in an Edward G Robinson voice*

right, almost forgot that last night, Rob's dad was there onstage when Nansi introduced the band again, i totally got this warm and mushy feeling (the good kind). and Samantha Love is a diamond... she somehow found out some health shit about me and we had a long talk (her heart is as big as like any/everything).


shit, forgot about the strobes and the fabaroo lighting (for once it made sense). and before they went on, we thought the stage was rather small for all of them, but no. the strobes don't bother me, it's when they turn the lights on the audience that blind me worser (when the shades that should be hanging from the neck of your T-shirt come in very handy).

ps, first i shouted VERY muchly, then got so carried away i was screaming my damn head off, we all were. and i shall NEVER doubt this brilliant man again:

let the night roar!

nope, wrong vision. *snigger*


ain't goin' to where now? close but no cigar...


whoooo-fuckin-hoooooo! and we shall hook up with Big Kris, Sarah Lou & Jonny-Boy as well as Sarah and Ivor The Engine --- straight outta Brixton --- w00t! to put it rather mildly,


*evil* i mean, YAY! and when we get there, i'm expecting to see the usual adulation...




in all actuallity, forget Freebie (sorry, Delta Slide Dude), cause we ain't going for him, we're going for THEM:


*singing*


and ah loves yah. *beaming*


LOL, I. AM. STOKED. :-)

Chri-issss...

OH HAI!


OH NOES!









CAUS IF I DUZ:


an' neither'll i and there'd be BIG trouble. so pretty please, with sugar on top. CLEAN TH' FUCKIN' CAR! i mean, ring me ASAP, dude.

LOLZ, KTHXBAI! xoxoxoxox

it's not you, it's the E tawkin'

Chris in mail: 'This is you, after this weekend':


me back: 'oh, RILLY? when did i EVER not danse to tekno cause of some wack breather need? dates and times, please'.

Chris: 'I said *after*, not while there was still dancing to be done'.

anyway, here's today's Moment of MicroDot, thanks to Christine:


*in a BBC accent* '...Rivaling the refined beauty of a stained glass window, the translucent wings of the Glasswing butterfly shimmer in the sunlight ... All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in life that which is unnoticed has the most power'.

i hope y'all are happy now cause i totally copied the above without any snark. yeah, it was difficult but somehow i survived. however, i have huge issues with that 'in life that which is unnoticed has the most power' shit cause if i actually believed that, it'd totally negate my lifelong ambition to be World's Teeniest Biggest Attention Whore.

moving right along, i took this next of a passed out (i think, not sure) giant chick as i ran through Victoria Station last saturday.

yes, there were crowds but i positioned myself so that i wouldn't get the uglier people into the shot. they howled, they spat at me (they missed) and two of them tried to hit me but i went 'nyah' and gave 'em the finger as i ran off.

shit, wittering for a change. i blame this on Mark, actually. i've been in such a shite mood the past few days but about twenty minutes back (20,40), he began to txt me and has been cracking me up ever since, mostly with shit that's not fit to copy here (e.g., the phrase 'big dick' was mentioned and yeah, it still doesn't take much to bring out the 8-year old boy within). LOL, take my word for it, he's on a roll tonight (and should be onstage instead of cheering me up). thank you, dude --- LOL, YOU. GO. FREEBASE!

*cough* OK, two more sleeps till Cardiff and my first gig of the MOR Tour. i really, really can't think about it now (mostly cause if i do, i'd be hanging off the balcony upside-down and naked, shouting my fucking head off). so here's a pret-ty picture (thanks, Rich):

*sigh*

after wailing to him on the phone last night, all about stuff i won't go into here, Chris took off this afternoon for Grandma's funeral tomorrow. he should be in his rental right about now, speeding from Chicago O'Hare down South to Rochelle while attempting to ignore the culture shock virtually screaming for his attention. i miss you so much already, Babe, and totally can't wait until you're back home here, safe and sound in England. *sigh*

i took these two early sunday morning, looking out of his hallway window, while he slept, just before i split, when we still thought Grandma Elsie was with us. yeah, i was relatively happy. *sigh*


and i took this next the night before, walking down Coldharbour Lane on the way to his and the delicious dinner he was cooking for us. now i feel guilty that i didn't hurry up and like accidentally made him wait for me. *sigh*


i'm too wound to think today, really so i'm gonna take up space thanking people and generally wittering, like always. Mark rang twice today --- thank you, dude, for taking the words right outta my mouth, and as usual, for cheering me up so muchly. and for the after gig txt just now (wednesday 00,08). i'm really pleased for you, but at times like this i think of myself and y'know... it's all about me. *sigh*

Boudicca rang right about noontime and so did Marianne a coupla hours ago, so thanks for making me laugh, grrls. the Coat rang as well (waking me up like at 11,00 this morning, and that's cool). thanks for ringing me back when i was more lucid, Wil. *sigh*

and thank you, Dragnim, for waking me up with yer lovely txt right about an hour ago; it totally cheered me up as well. i wuv you, sweet boy. *sigh*

as well, big thanks to Christine for hanging in there with me and all my stupid little problems. LOL, i saw Stranger Than Fiction again and want you to know that i totally reverse my prior opinion, like 180 degrees. *snigger* anyway. *sigh*

sorry in advance but despite everyone making me lightful today, here's the latest edition of me as a kitteh, so watch out, people --- i'm teetering on the edge of a rather foul mood. my only excuse is that this was the way i learnt to demonstrate sadness --- mask it with anger. right... thanks, Mom! |-(


but i'm doing better cause at least i finally realise and acknowledge this and now i can sometimes ID warning signs and shit. yeah, i know. *sigh*

here's today's Moment of Magritte: This Is Not Hunter:

moving right along, in just about three more days, i shall be in Cardiff seeing the Band on my first gig of the MOR Tour and i totally can't wait --- 'Lord, i need it!'

RIP Grandma Elsie

well, there y'all have it. i was actually writing something breezy on how it all turned out yesterday and today being the Autumnal Equinox, one of my rare Holy Days, but it all went to shit along with my good mood after hearing the bad news. and due to circumstances beyond my control and totally by accident, i ended up staying with Chris last night; now i'm so pleased i got to see him before the shit hit the fan.

after being ill all last week it was really cool, seeing him without the insanity and hurry uppity surrounding a gig and the rest of the attendant bullshit and we didn't even get high or anything. he cooked a delicious dinner and we had a really good talk, watched some Star Trek (i think Deep Space 9 but they all look the same to me) and laughed our asses off a number of times. but now i regret taking the 09,00 coach back here this morning. LOL, i was doing it for him --- if i had my way, we would've gone to Camden Town or the Natural History Museum or visited friends or sat in the Albert but i knew he needed to work so i convinced myself to be cool and split early. but reality reminds me that if i were still there with him now, i'd be nothing but a weeping mess and totally getting in his way.

his family were always lovely to me but apart from Chris' younger sister Peach, Grandma was my favorite. she had like a special bond with Chris that went way back, way before Chris lost his mom (and she lost her eldest daughter). she was kind, generous, thoughtful and at times, hilariously funny. i met her when she was like beginning to lose it but AFAIC, she was fine with me: most always lucid and totally there. *sigh*

i remember the last Christmas we went back there together; at Grandma Elsie's request, Chris drove us three to Chicago cause she wanted to buy him a most excellent suit. the thing of it is, things had already begun to turn sour when Chris' firm in Bonn declared bankruptcy and he needed to present himself as well as he could auf Deutsche to prospective employers. Alles in Ordnung... bah. who am i kidding?

whoa, i just remembered something: i secretly called it The Desperation Suit cause we'd made a deal that if he didn't get a new gig in DE, he would move back to the States (i refused to go). i mean like, we wouldn't break up or anything, but y'know... anyway, we decided on a year; if he didn't get a new gig by dezember 2003, he'd take off. *stifles ADD tangent*

*cough* now, where was i? right, Grandma and the suit. we were waiting in the car outside so i could smoke and we could check the material and color in daylight. i'll never forget the look on Grandma's face when Chris came out of the dressing room and walked outside in the frozen sun. she was so proud and happy while i sat there grinning like an idiot. his hair was tied back in a ponytail, earrings and nosering glinting in the midwestern light and Chris in this knock 'em dead black suit, straight enough for interviewing, cool enough for web firms and best of all, making your grandmother so very happy.

he finally chose the one she and i had already decided on in secret (without telling him). *sigh* one of my best memories of her was seeing her face light up at Christmas when we drove down from Chicago O'Hare and Chris first walked through her door --- seeing them was like a total joy to me. more important than that, she was always way supportive of whatever career choices he chose to make.

i mean, one does not quit Georgetown University, the most prestigious law school in the country, to begin a career as a web designer, a totally unknown (and to some Luddites, viewed with suspicion) untested area of successful employment. *sigh* and she was totally behind him when he packed up his stuff a few years later and drove to NYC without the promise of a job waiting. and the rest is history but once again, i digress. *sob*

OK, we all saw this coming a few weeks back when i wrote 'i met her for the first time when we were about to split the States for Germany, a few days before 11. september...' and then i went on about her art and how unique it was, especially her chosen medium, the vast array of birds' eggs she painstakingly hollowed out and decorated with the most aesthetically pleasing materials. i described how Grandma created my own very special egg for me about six months after Chris and i met and how flattered i was and still am. i just walked into the bedroom to look at it. i can't. but now it means the world to me.


i'm totally gutted here. i wish i didn't take off this morning, i wish i were still in London right now, i wish i were on Chris' sofa in silence just to be with him, just to hug him, just to be there. i'm so sorry, Babe.

and uh... i still haven't told Mark yet. i know he'd wanna know but i didn't wanna ruin the gig for him tonight. now i don't wanna ruin the afterparty but he's gotta know so i'll tell him tomorrow if he doesn't ring one of us first. the funeral's on wednesday so Chris'll be splitting tuesday and missing Cardiff but like who cares, cause at this point in time, seeing the Band is like the last thing on my mind. fuck. Rest In Peace, Grandma Elsie. :-(

what's playing very quietly: Lightnin' Hopkins' Death Bells.

off on a seekrit misshun

well, iz seekrit if y'all hazn't bin paying attenshun. but bah...


so all i kin do iz quit wit' th' tearzyness an' revert bak to mah natural angry state o' self an' think


as well as reaffirming the me of me:


and if things go to hell...


oh, if things go to hell, i iz dun alright, in more wayz than one. moving right along to other lighter things, here's one o' Larry Love's beee-yewtee seekrits --- hiz hairdryer. (thanks, Chris.)


what's blasting: Power in the Blood (offa Mashville I and thank you, MS Freebase for all yer support). happy weekend, y'all. :-) well, 'happy weekend' to all apart from me, especially if things go to hell and i'm praying to my godz they don't.

escape from NY (6 years later)

yup, it's been six mostly marvellous, totally fabaroo years since we flew the coop out of the hell the States was becoming:


and ended up on this side of the Atlantic. exactly six years ago today, Chris, Petey and i were whisked from Frankfurt Airport up the Rhein to Bonn. my face was plastered against Antje's car window as i drooled over the houses facing the river.



and the damn castles (which were Chris' final selling point to me in july 2001 when i told him i totally didn't wanna live in Germany). i think i remember that he rang me in Brooklyn, telling me 'I'm seeing castles and grape arbours as the train rushes by'. and then i went 'oh. um... wait, dude. is it like totally too late to change my mind?'



within the first five minutes of clearing Paß Kontrol (or whatever it is auf Deutsche), i had my first emotional heart attack (one o' the good ones) when running through the airport to collect Peter in Pet Cargo and seeing full frontal nudity on Deutsche Telekom electronic advert boards. i had my second seeing shitloads of stylishly dressed women in their 70s on fuckin' motor bikes (and one Harley). if one were so inclined, one could say i was having a constant orgasm of aesthetics, if y'all know what i mean, but i digress.

looking back on that shit now, i think i was quite happy actually. and i got to see stuff like this every damn day:


BTW, all above photos by setmajer apart from the last which i took after threatening to break his camera if he didn't give it over, pronto. anyway, i know i was thrilled to pieces to be outta the States, my lifelong dream finally made manifest. but y'know, like love, happiness fades and worse than love, it fades into nostalghia --- weak, maudlin and terribly self-defeating and time-wasting.

and although i might wish it not, Time is Change and as Delirium said, 'Change. That was always kinda the problem'. cause especially when y'all least expect it, shit always happens and that kinda shit's nothing more than change. development. metamorphosis of some kind. difference. and at its worst, waaaay fuckin' revised from that which y'all enjoyed before. hmmm... 'I need a change'. *thinks of the Absinthe and decides not* OK, baby thwoop, then.

*cough* moving right along, i've learnt a lot about the human condition over these past six years (sadly convincing me i'll never be a normal adult human being --- my loss). which somehow brings to mind that if i told all the stories, related all the little anecdotes and last minute changes of plan thanks to Fateful shit that've happened since then, or stuff told me by my friends or those in the Alabama 3, i'd be writing a book and there's no fuckin' way i'm about to do that.

OK, here's my status six years later:

but as per usual,


while the more accurate, Aspergers-riddled reality-based bit within whispers:


and while i'm up to my ass with teh kitteh, here's a message to y'all who ever dared tell me shit you might be regretting at this particular point in time:


mostly cause the older i get, the more my memory's teh suck (lucky for y'all, actually).

this just in from Rock Freebase (or Lame-0 as i dig calling him): 'Gig was OK, spent most of the aftershow avoiding...[name]'. great, now it's official. Mark just might have a stalker, lovely. |-(

in way happier news, 'What has happened to London?' first thing this morning, Mike brightened my day muchly by mailing that he's secured tickets for Brixton Academy where we shall see The Sex Pistols in november. and if Mark's not touring Australia, he shall be with us as well. didja ever hear his God Save the Queen ringtone? it's totally loud enough to wake the fuckin' dead. well, at least it gets me up almost immediately; i jump six feet off the mattress and then i find, then throw his damn cell at him, aiming for his head. it never fails to wake him up in his usual bright and cheery manner).

from the Department of 'They Made You a Moron': here come the politics, shit that most who weren't there totally don't get (whether they're American or Brits), totally missing the point by a mile (about the impact of God Save the Queen):

'...Banned by Radio One, it is one of music's most legendarily apocryphal tales that the chart was rigged by jittery regulators who felt the Queen might not be amused at having her Jubilee celebrations sound-tracked by a fevered anthem to monarchy bashing...'


whoo-hoooo! smash the fuckin' state! SWEET JOY!


what's blasting: God Save The Queen remixed by Chumbawamba (no, i never get tired of hearing it) as well as God Save The Queen and from the Department of 'You sad, sad bastards', Pretty Vacant (last two both recorded live at Shepherd's Bush Empire, 1996).